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Facts About Farting

I didn’t want to do a throwaway, mindless movie with fart jokes just to make 6-year-olds laugh.  I want to provide my children with some substance.  ~Fred Durst

Fart Facts Aunt Heather PiperI’m not normally the slap stick, stupid humor type of writer…well sometimes I am, but this one is silly yet educational.  My family is going to kill me for sharing this humor, so I will keep it general and not give too much detail.

First, I want to comment on how tight our family is.  Probably too close according to some.  Not only do we speak our minds, anything that appears up in the cranium cavity exits our mouths; but our rear-ends are free to speak as well.  We are not shy about belching and we certainly are no strangers to flatulence.  Some may say we are simple honest open people, while others may say we are gross and improper.  Now don’t get me wrong, we don’t act like barbarians in public and around others.  We do practice our manors, but I’m talking about behind closed doors in the privacy of our own home among family.

To be honest, I thought everyone was like us, well maybe not as dedicated, but certainly open.  Nope!  I was just recently talking to a good friend of mine who commented that her and her husband do not fart around each other and they’ve been married for over a decade.  Having to confirm what was just declared, I had her reiterate that they do not fart around each other.  Seriously, I was in shock!  Really?  I just couldn’t believe it!   You don’t fart around one another?  To make a comparison from my point-of-view I explained the general Piper practices.  I’m sure there are others who agree with her, but that wouldn’t be my family.  And come on, EVERYONE farts!

Now sticking to the theme, I want to tell you about a joke in our house.  My dad was watching something on TV, probably Dr. Phil since dad has this infatuation with him, I don’t know why but I’ll move off of that topic.  Dad said “I heard on TV when someone farts they are lowering their blood pressure.”  The minute Kyle heard this he busted out laughing.  Moving forward, every time there was an exchange of gas Kyle would say, “I guess you’re lowing your blood pressure.”  It’s actually too funny!  Once, Kyle passed gas and shot me an ornery grin and said, “I just lowered my blood pressure!”  I died!  It really was so spontaneous and funny, I shared it with the rest of the family.  Dad especially got a kick out of it.

So back to why am I sharing this very personal stories?  Mom sent me this email titled Fwd: Facts about farting…very educational.  You know the emails that have been forwarded ten thousand times, literally.  Evidently, my cousin Ray emailed it to her, then it ended up in my inbox.  Mom knows I hate those generic forwards.  I pretty much delete them right away, however, this one mom made it a point to call it out to me.  She wanted to make sure I would read it.  Ok, I thought, this must be a good one, I’ll bite.  When mom was asking me about the email, Kyle happened to be standing in close proximity actually paying attention.  He looked over at my mom with curious eyes and very quizzically asked, “What Gigi?  What’s it about?” as he joined my mom, sporting a huge grin.

Farting Text Aunt Heather PiperNeedless to say, mom showed Kyle the email, upon his request and he intently read through it.  During the entire weekend and flowing over into the following week, Kyle kept quoting from the information he read.  Out of no where I would hear, “Aunt Heather I can’t believe termites are the top farters and they give off more methane gas than cows!  How can that be?”  How do you respond to that?  I would laugh and nod my head and say, “I have no idea buddy.”  Then he would bring up vegetarians saying, “Vegetarians fart more than people who eat meat.  I love meat so I must not fart as much as them!”  That’s a pretty good deduction and one way of looking at it!

From vegetarian to dog, Kyle compared his new found statistics with Seven’s flatulence history.  Poor dog resides in the group of silent yet deadly.

Through all this, Kyle’s number one favorite fart fact, was the information on farting after death.  He just thought that was amazing and funny at the same time!  He said, “Aunt Heather a person can fart after they died!  Can you believe that?!”  Yep, we are a wealth of knowledge around the Piper household.  I wish I could say this was the strangest conversations we’ve had, but alas I don’t think it was.  I guess it goes to show that anything can be made into a conversational piece.

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