Life seems sometimes like nothing more than a series of losses, from beginning to end. That’s the given. How you respond to those losses, what you make of what’s left, that’s the part you have to make up as you go. ~Katharine Weber
September 24, 1977 – October 23, 2001
Every year it’s the same pattern of celebrating Kyle’s birthday in July, then observing Ryan’s birthday in September, then the reminder of Ryan’s death in October. Not that I think of the later during Kyle’s month long birthday celebration, but I do reflect on it this time of year.
Kyle’s fifteen years old, the same number of years we’ve been trudging through life without Ryan. The two will forever correlate, which I guess it’s fitting for Kyle to be tied to his Dad in an unconventional way.
Sometimes I wonder how Ryan would have adapted to the present world. A lot has changed in fifteen years. Ryan used a computer, only when needed, but would he have a smart phone? Would he be in business for himself? Would he be bald at the age of thirty-nine? (My own little joke. I always teased Ryan about going bald. Not that I cared, but he did.) Those are the thoughts that will never be turned into reality, merely kept as thoughts. Although, I do know for certain, Ryan’s world would have revolved around Kyle, and Kyle would have greatly benefited from being raised by Ryan.
Recently, I had to give cliff notes of our family situation. While chaperoning the band for the Latrobe football game at Latrobe, it wasn’t making sense to the band parents how Kyle and I knew the area so well. Kyle actually told a few parents he lives in Latrobe, which he always did halftime. It’s been a while since I had to give the family tree of how Kyle’s my nephew. Sadly, yet proudly, I always state Kyle’s my brother’s kid. Then, after a quizzical stare, I have to slightly elaborate that my brother passed away and my family is from Latrobe. Do I mind? Not really, I’d rather people know the truth. Not that it changes anything, but it fills in the gaps for others and it shows just how important Kyle is to me. Only if asked do I get into details, which again I don’t mind because fact is fact and it’s the way it is.
Sometimes I find peace thinking about the “What Ifs” and writing about Ryan and remembering my only brother, yet, sometimes it’s extremely difficult. Which is it this time? It’s a well guarded secret, but every day is a day I miss Ryan, and some are still harder than others. Admittedly, it was difficult getting out of bed today.
I sit here wishing Kyle would call me to spend the day together, but I know he had a busy weekend of band, and I’m sure he’s tired and wants to loaf around. Kyle has always been the one constant that eases my grief, even when he’s not in close proximity. Although, today I’m missing Ryan AND Kyle.