There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk. ~Guy Gavriel Kay
After Kyle’s birthday celebration I found out that he was quitting the marching band. What? Unfortunately, yes. I was beyond devastated for many reasons. Fear he was going to sit at home and play more video games and not get any exercise, miss out on travel and friendship opportunities plus miss out on all the other benefits marching band offers. Those are my fears but they’re also reality.
How did I find out? Sadly, not through Kyle, which really upset me knowing how much I was involved with the marching band and how much I loved and supported his activity. I tried to put aside my own personal hurt to think rationally and understand what’s best for Kyle. Honestly, marching band came to the top of the list with every thought.
When Kyle didn’t show for the Memorial Day parade I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. But according to his fellow band mates and everyone else involved, Kyle was continuing his marching band experience. Kyle told me he was sick and that’s the reason he wasn’t in attendance. Now, I believe it wasn’t the truth or maybe not the entire truth.
A good friend of mine used to say, “In the absence of information everyone assumes the worse.” Heck yes! I wanted to know what made Kyle to an about face. Is he involved with the wrong crowd? Is he having depression issues? Did someone do or say something to him to make him go the other direction? Was he as a spiteful pawn piece? Is he getting lazy? Health issues popped into my head too. In fact, a huge array of possibilities came to the forefront. Now, which one or ones were true? I might never know.
Without getting too upset, I tried to convince Kyle other. Although during my strong arguments, I realized he was remaining steadfast to his discussion no matter what. But like I told him, “If I wouldn’t care for you, I wouldn’t point out what you’d be missing out on and explain your decision from all angels.” Kyle was a good sport and let me get it out without resistance. He really is maturing.
First and foremost, I stated the obvious, in case it wasn’t apparent to him. Once he quit he’ll never ever get that back. Ever. He can’t go back and gain his junior year experience. That point truly broke my heart. I loved being in band and so did Kyle. What changed? I have no idea. He was so dedicated to the band, loved bringing home the medals and spending time with those students. He respected the instructors and the parents.
To drive my point home, I exclaimed, “Kyle, if you said to me, ‘I think I’m going to take a year off before going to college. I’d say, okay buddy, do your thing.’ because you can get that back. You’re not missing out on anything, only postponing it. Quitting the marching band is lost forever.” Kyle rebutted with a simple, “I know.”
One of his excuses was he wanted to spend more time on his studies, very admirable and totally full of crap. Marching band basically consumes the first quarter, notoriously the easiest quarter of the entire year. That’s the best time to be involved in an activity. Now I want to see straight “A”s.
Next I moved onto college. I stated, “You know colleges want to see extra activities in addition to good grades. They want to see a well-rounded student and he’ll need letters of recommendation.” I asked him what he planned on doing in place of marching band. He said, “I don’t know yet. I don’t know what’s offered.” Confused I said, “What do you mean? School activities aren’t a secret, what do you want to get involved with?” Kyle shrugged his shoulders and I knew that was code for he wasn’t planning on doing anything. It was just an excuse.
Another good point, Kyle mentioned that he was planning on staying at home and going to college locally to save money. Nicole and I both agree he should move out and get the full college experience. After all, Kyle still gets money every month from my brother, which I guess was kept a secret from him until I spilled the beans and Dad backed me up recently. It’s one thing if he doesn’t have the money, but he does and that money was meant for Kyle, no one else. I retorted, “Kyle you’re worrying about saving money for college when you could get a scholarship from marching band?” Kyle’s response, “I know.” Really? Things aren’t adding up.
Kyle said he was told to get a job to pay for car insurance. What? Who told you that? While I respect making Kyle earning his way through life and taking responsibility for privileges like driving, but not at the expense of his high school experience, especially one that’s so good for him. Again, it’s one thing if he didn’t have the money, but he does. Again, that money is solely for him, to directly help him out, not to support anyone else for any reason. I hope he has money set aside for college.
Wondering if that was another excuse, I offered to pay for his car insurance. Did he bite? Nope. If I were his age I would have. Now I’m realizing that he was not budging and he really didn’t want to be involved in the band. I was getting worried. What made him do a three-sixty overnight?
To paint the picture even further, I explained how marching band was your extended family and you’ll have those friends forever. All of the memories and experiences are invaluable. I told him he’s a part of a team and they needed him. He was essential to the quality of the marching band. He just shrugged again.
Quitting was another point that really bothered me. He was in marching band for two years and then quit halfway through? I don’t want Kyle to learn to be a quitter. I want to see him stick a commitment through. Also, he quit pretty much right before band camp. Which means, the drills were outlined and they were counting on him. He was letting down the instructors and his classmates. I don’t want Kyle to be that kid yet he was.
Now the biggie, I moved around my events for Thrill of the Hunt to accommodate his band schedule, so I could be involved and support him. Did I tell him? I did, but I prefaced it with “Now I know this isn’t your fault at all but I did move around my events to accommodate your band schedule.” He seemed shocked and worried, like I was going to use my decision against him. That wasn’t my intent. Again, I wanted to further show how important band was and demonstrate my full support for his activity.
As a last ditch effort, I asked Kyle if he would stay in if I stopped chaperoning? (Even though I really enjoyed it) He said that wasn’t it. I reiterated that I didn’t mind and it wasn’t a big deal. He said that wasn’t the reason.
Well as it turns out, I’m not chaperoning without Kyle. I wouldn’t mind, but it would tear me apart seeing him miss out. However, if they need me to help out, I told them I would oblige. I’m still helping to manage their social media.
A few weeks ago band camp was in full swing. It tore me in two knowing the hard work and all the fun the students were having without Kyle. Instead, he was at home probably lying around playing video games. That truly bothered me. If he was reading, or doing research into his potential field of study or working to save money, I can accept that, something constructive. But being lazy and waiting for an activity to strike his fancy doesn’t sit well with me. I mean, even if he said, he really wanted to get involved in XYZ activities, that’s a plan and I get the trade off. Going from something to nothing is never a good idea.
Kyle is at the age where he wants to control his life and make his own decisions. Understood. However, he’s still too young to see the bigger picture, realize consequences and see good and missed opportunities. This entire situation is very frustrating and honestly nauseating.
When I spoke to friends and mentioned Kyle’s decision, they all got the same shocked face I once sported, now mines just confusion and upset. Everyone knew how much he loved and was involved in the marching band and to turn his back on all that was a confusing. Everyone also got the same sick feeling things weren’t right. Something underlying was wrong.
On the other hand, I’ve always tried to respect and support Kyle’s decisions but when it seems to be the wrong choice, it’s really hard. Granted, no one knows the future. All we can do is sit back, pray, and let life unfold and be as supportive as possible. Maybe Kyle chose correctly and maybe he didn’t. As long as he doesn’t have any regrets and he’s happy, then so am I.
I was told from a very wise retired teacher, the best way to teach a kid is to let them fail, essentially fall and then help them get back up with love. I would rather Kyle make his mistakes now with minor instances than big ones later in life. I hope the words “I told you so” never escape my mouth, for mistakes are sometimes the best lessons and sometimes offers the greatest opportunities.
Kyle started school on Thursday. I texted him and called him to wish him luck. No response. I do miss the days I’d see him off for the first day of school and he was excited to see me. Kyle loved going to school. I think it was the combination of learning, socializing and simple structure and authority figures, something he was in short demand.
God Speed Kyle, I’m always here when you need me.
Note about the quote:
Guy Gavriel Kay was a Canadian fantasy author. Christopher Tolkien hired him to help edit his father J.R.R. Tolkien’s unpublished work.