Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.  ~Kevin Arnold

Kyle sitting on his bed in his room (Ryan’s old room) with the quilt I made him out of Ryan T-shirts & flannels 2002

You know it’s funny how time flies.  It might sound cliché, but it’s so very true.  I can’t believe Kyle will be twelve years old in seven days, July 30, 2001!  I was there when he was born and I pushed his dad out of the way to let me hold my perfect little nephew.  True story.  I really wanted to hold the baby and Ryan said, “I want to hold him.”  Followed by me working the bundle into my arms and Ryan giving me his ornery grin.  I think it was more of joy and happiness than irritation, but Ryan gave in to let me hang with my future buddy.

Over the years, even long before the birth or our little man “stuff” seems to get collected.  Sometimes you’re not sure why you have all this “stuff” and sometimes you know very well why it’s kept, for simple sentimental reasons.  Regardless, that “stuff” does carry a bit of history with it and me being a history buff, I love to preserve history.

Ryan passed away on October 23, 2001.  Naturally, his “stuff” was kind of pushed into closets and stacked in corners.  No one really wanted to deal with it at the moment, or even months later.  Some of the piles included Ryan’s cloths, mostly his T-shirts and flannels, the staple of his wardrobe.

The majority of his attire was purchased by yours truly as gifts for Ryan.  Every time he changed the oil in my car, rotated the tires, cut the rotors, changed the windshield wipers, (the list goes on and on), I would repay him with cloths, since Ryan never accepted money from me.  Never!  It was a win win because Ryan didn’t really purchase himself cloths,.  So I took it upon myself to dress him in exchange for all is work.  He would graciously accept the articles of clothing, especially the jeans.

Tight shot of Kyle’s quilt, while it was being made. Those are all of Ryan’s T-shirts & flannels! 2002

You see Ryan was a tall lean beanpole, a strong one at that, still thin.  His jeans, which had to be Levi’s, needed to measure 29 x 34.  Do you know how hard it was to find those?  So every time I was in the store, I would raid the men’s jeans department in search for Ryan’s jeans.  This saved him the trouble of trying to find them himself,  a real scavenger hunt!

Yes, so all my shopping for Ryan, eventually made their way to untouched sad piles of fabric with an unknown future.  No matter how simple it may sound, those pieces of clothing showed their history and was a part of Ryan, every stain, every tear, every wrinkle, every shirt logo.   I mean, the shirts literally showed Ryan’s likes and interests, almost like they were a living ghost of Ryan laid before our eyes.  Some of the T-shirts were so worn out you could tell they were his favorites.  Now what?  What do I do those these simple treasures?

I had a lot of help with the final assembly of this massive quilt. Holly (Quilts by Reese) is in the lower right corner with her back turned, hard at work! Her soon to be husband to her right. 2002

Over the months of healing after Ryan’s passing, I held onto these small memories, which I had no idea what to do with.  I mean, I wasn’t going to wear them, but on the other hand it would have broken my heart to give them away or worse, trash them.  What to do?  What to do?   Then, my friend Christina, yes the same one I would run around like a bee and press cloths with our bums, (Gotta Dance!)  came to me and presented the best idea I have EVER heard!  She said, “I know what you can do with your brothers cloths!  Turn them into a quilt!”  Brilliant!!  Sincerely, the presented solution was like gold to my ears and for a brief moment, I remembered how to be happy.   Joy filled me and I couldn’t wait to share this revelation with my family.  I knew they were going to love the idea as much as I did.  And you know what?  They DID!

At the time, I don’t think Christina knew what that idea meant to me and my family.  Being in a state of loss, confusion and grief, any small ray of light was most welcome and needed!  Now, where to begin?  You see I never made a quilt before.  In fact, at the time I didn’t even have a sewing machine.

Kyle playing on the pillow I made him out of the extra fabric from the curtains I made, sitting next to the quilt made out of his dad’s T-shirts & flannels, given for his 1st birthday. 2002

Problem solved.  That Christmas my family bought me a sewing machine.  Like I said, they were excited about the future quilt.  Now I have the equipment, what do I do with it?

Over the years, I’ve sewn Halloween costumes, hemmed pants, and such, but never a blanket and certainly not a quilt.  Well, me being me, I decided to take on the challenge and make it my spring project.  It was now a mission to complete it and give it to Kyle for his first birthday.

It took me months to cut everything out.  On a side note, to actually begin cutting into these priceless T-shirts almost made me sick, but it needed to be done to get to the final goal.  Yet, it was hard.  Once I decide how I wanted the T-shirts laid out and how I wanted to incorporate the flannel shirts, then I painstakingly sowed each piece to the next to create smaller shapes.  Then, those smaller shapes turned into larger shapes until it started resembling a quilt.

Kyle’s full quilt, gave it to him for his 1st birthday. Loved how it turned out! Kyle’s dad’s T-shirts & flannels. 2002

All along the way I will admit, it became very therapeutic.  Sitting there by myself sewing for hours, holding onto pieces of Ryan actually made me feel better.  I’m not sure if it’s because I had such an intimate relationship with some of those shirts beforehand, or I was able to put my self in a different mindset, but the hard work gave me hope that things will be fine.  Never better, just different and manageable, and more importantly Ryan would never be forgotten.  Similar to writing in my blog.  Still neither are like holding Ryan’s son, the closest most dearest part of Ryan we still have.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, this perceived small project turned into a king size quilt!  Yes I didn’t have the heart to omit certain T-shirts, they were all so dear to Ryan.  To be honest, the final quit was actually larger than a king size.  On another note, I didn’t know that until I was pretty much done.  I kind of kept going and going, deep in thought until I reached the final edges of the quilt.

Holsters, Kyle’s Aunt Hot Dogs, playing with a 6 month old Kyle. 1/2002

Throughout the process, many of my friends helped me with the assembly of the quilt and supplied their opinions and advice, especially my friend Holly (Holsters).  Ironically, she now sews quilts, specializing in T-shirt quilts, as a side job.  Her quilts are far more superior than my creation.  Maybe I should have let her help more with my project.  She really has a talent with quilting, check her creations out on Facebook .  Her quilts are even sold internationally!

The quilt was by all means not perfect, not in the slightest, but that blanket was made with all my LOVE!  It was made to give a piece of my brother to his son for his first birthday.  It was made to preserve Ryan in a visual piece for the entire family to appreciate.

During the duration of the assembly, my place looked like a sweat shop. Literally!  Sitting on a stool in front of my sewing machine for hours upon hours, trying to get all the puzzle pieces together to resemble a bed covering, while maintaining the integrity of the fabric, was not an easy task.  I had stacks upon stacks of cut fabric and piles of miscellaneous remnants.  What drove me?  Kyle’s birthday deadline.

To give me an extra challenge, the end of May that year, I went on a cruise with a bunch of friends and than two weeks before Kyle’s birthday, I was in Korea.  Yes, I was competing in the World Haidong Gumdo Championships (samurai sword).  As part of my very memorable trip, I also trained and toured sections of the peninsula.  Great experience, even though I was completely off the grid and missing my little man so much!

Close up of Kyle’s quilt that I made for his 1st Birthday out of his dad’s T-shirts & flannels. 2002

Unfortunately, because of the timing of my Korean trip, I couldn’t give the long anticipated gift to Kyle on his actual birthday.  Believe it or not, that broke my heart, even though I know he would never know or care.  If I’m recalling correctly, I think I got home the day after his official birthday, but as soon as I got off of the plane and mom picked me up, we took a detour to head straight to see Kyle before heading home.  Even before I stopped to get some American food back in my system, we made a beeline to see my little man, who was already a year old.  Officially I gave him the quilt that weekend.

Kyle’s very first birthday gift from me was a homemade king sized quit, made from my very own fingers from his dad’s wardrobe.  I guess in a way, the blanket was from his dad too!

I’m really blessed to have gone through this exercise of making a quilt.  I’ve never made one since and I never plan on it.  After all, I have  to do that!  But I certainly do cherish the work I put into it and appreciate the opportunity to clear my mind.  Plus, I hope one day, Kyle will realize just how much he meant to me from day one, for me go through all that trouble and effort to make him a quilt straight from his dad, for his very first birthday.  In a way, that blanket started the tradition of giving Kyle unconventional gifts!

Temper is a funny thing; it spoils children, ruins adults, and strengthens steel.  ~Unknown

Me & Kyle at Chad's wedding. I dressed him in a suit. 8/31/02

Well, usually when Kyle acts up and I have to get mad, he straightens up.  But then again, not always.  I will say, Kyle has not been feeling well, with the ear infections and his allergies kick’in out of control, but that’s no excuse for being difficult.  But when I am in the wrong, I will call it out and show that Kyle’s Whining, Stubborn, Difficult – Strike Out! is not the only one who can strike out.  Two weekends ago Kyle continued where he left off from that Wednesday.  Well, to be fair to him, not entirely, but it was I who was still simmering.  My fuse had already been partially burned.  Kyle was pretty good, he even walked to the local store with me on Friday night and he took a walk with me and the dogs on Saturday morning.  Now I’m not saying he started off walking with speed and gusto, but he did make the effort.  We went through the usual complaining about the socks, and then he complained about his boots, and he didn’t want to wear his hoodie, even though it was in the 40s -50s on Saturday.  This is all pretty standard, but when my fuse is already almost non-existent, it doesn’t take much.  I will say I did make a resounding observation during our journey.  Across the board, during our expeditions, especially the longer the walk, Kyle’s attitude straightens up.  Maybe it’s the endorphins or maybe the quality time, or just being around nature.  Whatever the reason is, I love it and it makes for a more enjoyable walk.

When we got back to the house, we made lunch for everyone including roasted vegetables.  Kyle volunteered to help, he was a peeling machine.  The rest of the day went pretty straight forward, we watched the Green Lantern, ran to the store to pick up a birthday gift for Kyle’s friend, he worked in his workbooks when I asked, and later in the evening Kyle went to the grocery story with dad to help him out. Kyle and I even had the opportunity to start the next Harry Potter book, The Half-Blood Prince book.  Now was Kyle the perfect child, no, but when asked by my mom to load and unload the dishwasher he ignored her and he didn’t practice his instruments.  However, in the scope of things, he really impressed me.

Now moving into Sunday and how I completely struck out.  Since mom was not feeling well, actually most of the weekend, Kyle and I went to early mass, followed by CCD class.  He was really good in church.  Before hand, we did have an issue with buttoning of one of the buttons, which by no means was even close to his neck.  Then there was the standard argument about wearing his hoodie, which he always drags along beside him as if he’s so completely tortured by the piece of clothing.  This time Kyle didn’t serve mass and he was very attentive and the most reverend child sitting in the pew.  He participated in the hymns and when I asked him what the reading was about, I was surprised by Kyle’s attentiveness to some of the details recited in the literary.  Impressed!

Kyle's First Holy Communion. He was allowed to pick out his tie, but he had to wear a suit.

As lunchtime crepted upon us, I knew we had to leave around 1:00ish so I could drive Kyle to his friends birthday party, a good 45 minutes away.  Not that I mind, not at all, but when Kyle doesn’t appreciate and expect things, it sometimes wears on me.  He was getting ready to leave and the one thing that really bugs me is Kyle’s appearance.  It has drove me crazy for years now.  He always looks so sloppy and unkempt.  He can wear a variety of cloths and still not look so sloppy.  Not to mention, there are appropriate cloths needed for different occasions.  Now I was the one who was insisting on him wearing nice slacks.  Ok, I was going overboard since I already knew Kyle doesn’t like buttons and zippers on pants and this was a birthday party for boys who were planning on playing outside.  Well, he just had a complete melt down by my mention of the slacks.  I told him I would take him to the store to get new, “nice” pants and a matching shirt for his birthday party, but he just sobbed.  Later, I found out that he thought I was going to make him wear church cloths.  I mean the absolute horror of the thought. (sarcasm)

Once we got to the store I was still completely ticked.  In fact, I told him, you’re on your own, you find your own cloths.  He was excited and nervous by the gesture and now the time was flying past us and he didn’t want to miss any part of the party.  Not that I blame him, considering the boys were planing on having a Nerf war in the birthday boy’s backyard.  As I was acting like him, and walking extremely slowly I realized, ‘Now who is acting like a spoiled kid.’  Yes, I’m embarrassed to say I was acting like Kyle just to show him how it feels.  As he was trying to make small talk with me, I was just saying “Ya, No, I don’t know.” etc. just like Kyle does.  I was kind of being mean, certainly not one of my finer moments.  He was even being considerate and went to the sell rack, he said “Aunt Heather this way if I get dirt on them it really doesn’t matter.”  Now what a sweet kid, which you would think would melt my stone cold heart, but nope not yet.

Then as we drove to our final destination, I started going below the speed limit, which anyone who really knows me is aware of my led foot.  But then I realized Kyle might be late, and that bothered me more than making a point.  You see, I had being late even if it’s not for me.  I can’t stand tardiness, no matter what.  Then I noticed the excitement in Kyle’s eyes, knowing he has been waiting for this party for a few weeks now and it was a beautiful day.  Not to mention the patience Kyle was exemplifying.  Yikes!  How could I be so mean?  Well, I got him to the party just on the money and gave the house mom my cell phone number  just in case they needed to get a hold of me.  I left and found a local park, since I lived about an hour away and the party was only two and a half hours long, I decided to do laps, making the most out of the beautiful day.  When I picked up Kyle, I heard he was polite and well behaved, but he clearly didn’t want to leave, as he slowly worked his way to my car.

Kyle watching Scooby as he found a bone c. 2012

Kyle was such a happy boy the rest of the day and I apparently was not.  We usually leave my parents house around 8:00 or so on Sunday evenings to go back to my house.  This particular Sunday I was working on SpyRing and Kyle came to me bugging me to leave, I said, “It’s only 6:00?” and then I went into a rant saying “O I have to leave when Kyle says so, everything is revolved around Kyle and when he wants to do things, without taking others into consideration” and so on and so forth.  What I didn’t realize Kyle just wanted to spend some time with me and he wanted me to sit and read with him.  Ok, totally my turn to strike out!  After I collected my thoughts and started thinking like a rational person, we left.  In the car I apologized for my behavior.  To lighten the mood and not make him feel so bad, I found a few fun songs on the radio, turned them up really loud, and sang along in the worse tone imaginable, while I threw up my hands around and poked Kyle in the side.  He just sat there and laughed, probably thinking, ‘There’s something wrong with my Aunt Heather.’

The minute we walked in the house, Kyle quickly grabbed the book and directed me to the chair to commence reading.  He sat along the side of the chair, partially leaning on me and reading along as he always does.  I’m glad he suggested the reading, it gave us much needed peace and time together.  When we read like that the TV is never turned on, we get completely engrossed in the story.  After all Reading Brings Generations Together.  That’s the joy of a family, after all is said and done, a little quality times makes everything perfect again and all is forgotten and forgiven.

Happy Birthday Ryan!  We miss you very much!

Ryan 1981

Today, Ryan would have been 34 years old with a ten year old son.  He made it to his 24th birthday before his untimely death.

Ryan 1983

You know I used to tell Ryan that I couldn’t wait to watch him lose his hair cause, you see, it was already receding a bit and both of our grandfathers on each side of the family were bald.  So I told him, “It’s going to hit you directly in the head.”  I am a bit of a stinker and picking on Ryan was a part of my daily activity.  Now he didn’t hold back any, he dished it out as much as he took it.  But that was the fun of having a sibling.  It’s funny the things we remember.

Ryan 1984

Ryan and I were 21 months apart, the same as Nicole and I.  Being pretty close in age, and being the two youngest grandchildren, we were sometimes two peas in a pod.  With his blonde hair and blue eyes, we looked nothing alike. He was a bit more reserved and quiet compared to me, but he was just as much of a stinker as I was.  My sister was the law abiding, strict, tattle tale that we would keep things from.  Ryan and I would brag to each other about things we got away with, things mom, dad and Nicole didn’t know.  We were never bad kids, truly we weren’t, but we did enjoy life with harmless, stupid fun.

Ryan 1985

I remember I couldn’t wait for Ryan’s 21st birthday celebration.  I was really excited to take him out. We had a great time going around to the local bars in Greensburg not getting drunk or stupid, but really enjoying the evening.

Ryan 1986

Ryan was a great guy not just because he was my brother, but because he was a very sincere person, alike like Kyle.  He may have been my little brother, but he sometimes acted like a big brother.  Of course being six foot tall at my five foot six inches did give him the appearance of a big brother.

Ryan 1987

We had a typical family. Not perfect, just typical.   We fought as kids growing up, but there was never ever a question of being there for each other when needed.

Ryan's Graduation - Greater Latrobe High School 1996

Ryan was a smart guy- great with mechanics.  He was not only a hard worker, and I mean manual labor, but he had business sense.  He was like my pap, whereas they had too much heart, if you know what I mean.  They were too nice, if that’s possible.  Regardless, it made him who he was.

I could go on and on about Ryan, stories after stories, but I really just wanted to wish him a Happy Birthday!  More for me than him, but I think it’s good for Kyle to get to know his dad.

Do you have a story about Ryan?  If so and you would like to share it with Kyle or any member of the family, I would love to hear from you.  In fact, I will create a page dedicated to Ryan’s life so anyone can add stories as it strikes your fancy.