The grocery store is the great equalizer where mankind comes to grips with the facts of life like toilet tissue.  ~Joseph Goldberg

Me & Nicole in Arizona 3/2002

Everyone once in a while I think of something that happened, and I can’t help but relive the tale, especially to my mom who is usually in on the story or knows the characters.

Let me set the stage.  Mom and I used to get my grandma’s groceries.  As the days turned over, adding up to a month, my grandma would collect her grocery list until there was big order.  Then, mom and I would go to the store and cross the items off of the list.  We would remove the groceries from one shelf and place them on another in my grandma’s apartment, only to repeat the same routine a month later.  It’s funny but years earlier we would do the same for my late Aunt Katherine – Memorial Day Tradition, although, she would join us in the grocery shopping experience.  I loved going with mom and Aunt Katherine.  Actually, Aunt Katherine made it an experience, being such a feisty old lady.  Aunt Katherine was the best!

It’s funny, I don’t remember mom taking gram for groceries after pap passed away, but I remember being a kid and going grocery shopping with my gram and pap.  Pap would wait in the car, since he had two prosthetic legs and walked with two canes, and me and gram would cruise the isles of the store filling up the cart.  She always yelled me every time I poked the ground meat in the packages and let’s not discuss the cheeses.  Rightfully so, but she was always kind of snippy with me.  Maybe my natural hyperactivity and the fact that I would dance around between the shelves of groceries because I Don’t Like to Push a Shopping Cart! made her more irritable than usual.  Either way it was never like shopping with mom or Aunt Katherine.

Now-a-days gram doesn’t drive, in fact she really doesn’t leave her apartment. Hence, why she needs assistance.  Our routine consisted of me unloading the groceries, while mom sat with gram to balance her checkbook and pay bills etc.  This was the part I always dreaded, not because of carrying the groceries, or cleaning out her refrigerator, not even close.  I didn’t mind that at all!  I’ll do anyone a favor and help out anyway I can, however I absolutely HATE gram’s smoking habit!  I detest cigarettes with such a passion!  It actually evokes real anger in me when I’m standing in a cloud of toxic smoke, especially when I’m trying to help her out.  Disrespect!  Maybe that’s a blog post for another day or a subject for a therapy session.

Sometimes to give mom a break, or to help her out with gram, Nicole and I would take it upon ourselves to tackle the monthly grocery list.  Same goes for me and Kyle, taking on the responsibility of the gathering the outlined items and putting the groceries away.  Sometimes, it was as simple as stopping and picking gram up a few items.  I do want to point out that gram hated it when Nicole and I would go, especially if it was just me and Kyle in place of mom.  Perhaps she just didn’t like the change or she felt mom’s grocery shopping was guided by pixy dust and it was more magical.  Maybe the spiritual guidance that lead mom through the store helping her make her purchasing decisions didn’t reside in me?  Putting all sarcasm aside, gram was never happy to hear Nicole and I or, the dynamic duel of me and Kyle were going to the grocery store.  In fact, when this happened, gram would purposely call mom during the week to drag her back to the market for something trivial.  Personally, I never cared what gram thought, it saved mom a trip and the effort of hauling the groceries up to her apartment.  Anyway, within the past couple of years or so, gram gets someone else to follow in our footsteps and retrieve her groceries.  I guess I was fired. C’est la vie.

Me & Nicole in Ireland 6/2005

Now back to the head cheese.  The question, “What is head cheese?” might be running across your mind.  Until these grocery store adventures started for gram, I’ve never heard of head cheese either.  From that moment on, whenever head cheese appeared on the grocery list, I never took a second glance.  According to Wikipedia,

Head cheese, or brawn, is a cold cut that originated in Europe. A version pickled with vinegar is known as souse. Head cheese is not a cheese but a terrine or meat jelly made with flesh from the head of a calf or pig(sometimes a sheep or cow), and often set in aspic. Which parts of the head are used can vary, but the brain, eyes, and ears are usually removed. The tongue, and sometimes even the feet and heart, may be included.

Head cheese may be flavored with onion, black pepper, allspice, bay leaf, salt, and vinegar.  It is usually eaten cold or at room temperature as a luncheon meat.  It can also be made from quality trimmings from pork and veal, adding gelatin to the stock as a binder.

Head cheese!  It’s definitely unusual to hear, especially for my sister.  This is where the story begins.  One trip to the grocery store consisted of me, Nicole and the grocery list, courtesy of gram.  Since I was familiar with the layout of the store and the items listed, I always remained in control of the outlined groceries.  We would walk through the isles and I shouted to Nicole each item we needed, while picking up the goods closest to me, all along crossing off the list.  It was a great system, we divided and conquered.  Toward the end of this adventure we needed to pick up the frozen food and the deli items.  I was at the far end of the isle looking for a specific item gram wanted and Nicole was free to continue.  Thinking ahead, I was sent Nicole to the deli so I could finish getting all the frozen food items.  I yelled up at Nicole and said, “Go to the deli and get a pound of sliced head cheese.”  Nicole started to take a step in the right direction and abruptly stopped, turned back to me, and gave me this look of ‘What did you say?’ before actually saying it.  Not thinking how strange it sounded, I repeated myself, followed by Nicole repeating me for clarification, “Did you say head cheese?”.  Still not really picking up on the oddity of the request, I said, “Ya sliced.”  Nicole, still in disbelieve over this conversation, said, “What is head cheese?” Now she had my attention, and I started to laugh at her dumbfounded look.  Also please keep in mind we were at opposite ends of the grocery store yelling back and forth.

Since I was always in a hurry to get gram’s groceries and put them away, I shooed Nicole off for her next mission, while I hurried up and completed the list.  As I moved to the adjacent isle, which also housed the deli where Nicole was standing in line, I finished retrieving all the items before meeting up with the ‘head cheese’ wrangler.  At that moment she got the goods and looked at me with bewilderment and said, “It doesn’t really look like cheese!”  I started laughing because this was so funny and especially because what was ready to come out of my mouth.  I clarified her comment by saying, “Well it’s not cheese, it’s meat parts.” Nicole’s face was priceless!  She said, “What? Meat parts?”  At this point, I was ready to start rolling around on the floor from laughter.  To help her in her understanding of what she was holding I said, “It’s like parts of animals all ground up and made into a lunch meat.”  Nicole with a grossed out look said, “That’s disgusting!”  Certainly I agree with her, but it was on the list.

Now why am I talking about head cheese?  Only because it came up the other day and Kyle thinks it’s the funniest story he’s ever heard.  For some reason he loves hearing me and mom laugh about that situation, which was really funny!  Kyle still brings up the tale of the head cheese and says, “Hey Aunt Heather, remember when Aunt Nikki got the head cheese for gram Alice?”  He giggles and laughs like he was there, although Kyle is always with us in spirit and on our minds.

It’s funny, Kyle loves to be a part of the family stores and I love sharing them with him, even if it’s just about head cheese.

*When talking to Kelly about head cheese, I asked her if she knew what it was and Kelly said, “Isn’t that dandruff?”  That was so funny and extremely gross.  Good one Kelly!

There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.  ~Albert Schwitzer

Nicole pocketing Draco

A few weeks ago, while taking Kyle to his piano lessons I realized there must be something about us together in a car, alone, with our imaginations that makes these stories.  Our minds go out of control.  I mean sometimes really silly out of control.  This time the topic was cats.  What got us on the subject of cats?  I have no idea, probably Kyle asking how Storm was doing.  Regardless, the stage was set and we were armed with humor, wit, and imagination.  At this point, no one can tell where the conversation was going to turn, especially us, but we always know it’s going somewhere.

We started talking about Storm and the next thing you know Storm was visiting my sister’s cat Toshi (I call him Lester) in the Washington DC Metro Area.  Keep in mind this is a completely fictitious story that we started to make up.  Why?  No clue, just to simply humor ourselves I guess.  As the story started to take shape,  I said imagine that conversation, “Storm would say meow, like a kitten and Lester would respond back with a loud ear piercing MEOW!”  We both started laughing.

You see, Lester has this really loud and annoying meow that doesn’t end.  I can understand the cat meowing when I’m visiting Nicole, being in his domain and all, but he does it while I’m on the phone with my sister.  Let’s not forget when I’m talking to Nicole on Skype and I swear I hear the cat when I email and text message my sister.  One time when I was staying at Nicole’s, the cat sat outside my closed door to the spare bedroom and meowed all night.  Lester just sat in the hallway and projected his really loud and drawn out meow towards me.  I’ve had cats all my life and I’ve never experienced anything like Lester before.  Finally, I told Nicole to take the cat in her bedroom, which she did only to find out it didn’t help.  The cat kept meowing just as loud, if not louder from Nicole’s room.  It sounded like Lester was meowing directly into an intercom, which hung over my head.  Again, I can understand this, because I was occupying his space, but he does it all the time!  Whether you’re in the living-room, bathroom or kitchen, there is no escaping Lester’s alarm system.  Due to this annoying and slightly entertaining behavior, he has been the subject of many conversations in our household, over the years.  Can’t imagine why? (sarcasm)

Lester sitting in the ceramic bowl I made Nicole for fruit… guess Lester didn’t get the memo

There’s such a difference between Lester and Storm.  Mine meows only when she wants something.  Lester, lives to meow.  I swear that cat has meow “CATivated” paws, he meows with every step.  Either that or he has meow turrets.   (No disrespect to those suffering with turrets.)

I know what you’re thinking, it’s me.  Nope, Lester acts like that for everyone, not just me.  Mom, dad and espeicaiily Kyle has lived through the Lester siren.  Nicole said, during this past “Aunt Nikki and Kyle’s week of fun” Lester walked on top of Kyle while he slept and kept meowing.  I told Kyle he was probably saying “What is this large lump in my bed?”  To this day we still laugh over that one.

When I first got Storm, Kyle said we should take her down to meet Lester.  My sister chimed in saying, “He would think his time was up, he was being replaced.”  Well, this current conversation started with those words in mind and created another, little darker scenario.

Back to me and Kyle in the car.  I said, “Ya Kyle, the conversation between Lester and Storm would go something like this…

Storm: meow, meow (Hi my name is Storm, I’m the traveling kitty)

Lester: MEOW, MEEEOOOWW, MEEEOOOOWWW (I’m done, I’m being replaced!)

Storm: meow, meow (Where’s your litterbox?)

Lester: MMMMEEEOOW, MMEEOOWW (My time is up, this is just the beginning they have a replacement!)

Storm: meow, meow, meow (Do you have any kitty treats?)

Lester: MMMMEEEEOOOOOWWW, MMMMMMEEEEOOOOWWWW, (I’m going to starve to death!)”

Needless to say, we were cracking up.  Sometime in the middle of this conversation, it took a downward spiral.  Kyle said, “Remember what Aunt Nikki said, if we brought Storm down to her house, Toshi would just die?”  I busted out laughing.  My sister did say that!  I took it one step further and said, “Ya then Storm would have to do CPR on Lester.  She would have to rub her paws together to create a spark, then say ‘Meow’ which means clear and shock the cat back to life.”  We were dying!  I said, “All Storm would need to do it lay her paws on Lester’s chest and bring out her claws.”  Kyle following the story said, “Ya then Toshi would scream back to life MMMEEEEOOOOWWW.”

Ok, pretty stupid story but just picturing Storm leaning over Lester and administering CPR was too much for us to pass up.

Then two weekends ago when Nicole was home, dad asked her how her cat was doing.  He said, “Nik how’s your cat, is it dead yet?”  Nicole said, “No, he’s good but the other day when I came home, he scared me.  He wasn’t there to greet me at the door, like he always does.  I thought I was going to have to look around for a dead cat.”  Kyle and I lost it!  We are still rehashing that conversation.

Sometimes it’s animals that make life fun and exciting, even if they are stemmed from our imaginations.  Thanks Lester for the laughs!

*In the making of this blog, no cat was harmed.
**Since Lester has been ill, Nicole told me to be sensitive to his feelings and not call him Lester.

 Read more on our stupid humor

Laughing About Nothing
Laughing About Nothing … True Story

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.  ~Phyllis Diller

My sister, Nicole R. Piper, better known as Aunt Nikki, was born on March 16, 1974.  Surprisingly, she was born around noon, never being much of a morning person.  She is the oldest of the three, preceding me by 21 months and my brother, Ryan by 42 months.  Nicole and I share the godparent responsibilities of Kyle and she enjoys her roll as an aunt.  Please enjoy my collage of the years of Nicole…

Happy Birthday!!!

May the odds be ever in your favor!

Ya, Aunt Nikki and I’m the package! ~ Kyle Piper

Kyle would get his Kung Fu grip on the steering wheel and not let go. Ryan and my dad built this truck from a frame - '78 GMC.

You know, throughout Kyle’s life, my family, including myself, was pretty clever with using code names when having adult conversations around Kyle.  You know, sometimes you just don’t want a child asking questions about a conversation that doesn’t pertain to them or you don’t want them worrying about something they don’t need to.

The Greensburg police pulled me over this past week for not having my car registered.  Now please note, I really was not aware that the car didn’t have registration, that is until the nice officer brought it to my attention.  I’m not being sarcastic; he was a very understanding and nice guy who was just doing his job.   So yes, I sat in my car along the side of the road in town with the police car all lit up behind me, while the officer proceeded to run my license and plates through his system.  “Unfortunately, this was not my first rodeo”, at least that’s what I said to the cop when he asked me if I’ve ever gotten a ticket.  This kind of took me off guard because we all know that once he ran my license in his system, it showed at least three or four pages of traffic violations on me.  Now I’m no hardened criminal, but I’ve gone through phases where I’ve been ticketed for speeding, failure to stop at a stop sign, speeding, driving without my headlights on, speeding, not using turn signals, and did I mention speeding?  Yep, I’ve paid more in tickets than what my car was probably worth.  Now, believe it or not, most of those tickets were pre-Kyle.  Once that little man was born, I tend to be more attentive and cautious.  Now I can’t say that when he’s not with me, but I must say maturity has started to take over and I’ve cut my violations down considerably.

Ryan Piper and his '67 Chevelle. Speed is in the family...

Well back to me sitting in my car along the side of the road with the Fourth of July lights behind me.  Now don’t get me wrong, things like this don’t really bother me and I’m certainly not losing sleep over it.  But out of all the times I was pulled over and sat in that very position the one incidence that came to my mind was the only time I got a ticket with Kyle in the car.

Kyle with his cousin Jeremy Piper and his Mustang

I was actually with my mom, who normally calls out if I’m approaching an illegal speed limit.  We were just coming into Latrobe at dusk and Kyle was probably around five or so, still in a car seat, then the lights and the siren were in full swing as we entered the city.  As it turns out, that stretch of road went from 55 to 45 and all the way down to 35 miles per hour.  I can honestly can say I was not paying attention.  Mom and I were just gabbing on our way home.  Well, the last thing I wanted was Kyle telling everyone that I was pulled over, especially with him in the car.  The incident was pretty seamless and we never mentioned it in front of him, hoping he’d forget about it.  You have to understand that that was about the same time Kyle told my mom that I drive like a racecar driver, which I don’t, at least not with him in the car! But in Kyle’s mind, it must have appeared as so.

I wanted to break the news to my sister before she overheard it from my mom, I didn’t feel like having her lecture me about our precious cargo, like I’m not aware, and at the very least I wanted to diffuse an argument before beginning one.

The next generation of Piper drivers. Idlewild Park Gutchess Picnic 2004

Completely forgetting about the ticket until one night when Nicole came home, I remembered I wanted to tell her before I forgot again.  We, and I mean Nicole, myself, and Kyle were all piled in Kyle’s queen size bed in his room ready for some ZZZs.  I started to tell her that the “fuzz” pulled me over and I had the package in the car.  Just then, Kyle, who was wedged between us, turned to my sister and said, “Ya, Aunt Nikki, and I’m the package.”  I was in a mix of total shock that he was so much smarter than us, and pure gut stretching laughter from the sheer honesty of the comment.  Nicole and I both laughed so hard.  From that moment, we would sometimes refer to Kyle as “The Package”.  It was at that moment I realized he was onto us and the code words had been uncovered!

I guess that was a turning point when I realized Kyle was growing up.  Ahh another mildstone… isn’t it funny what comes to mind in certain situations?